Here’s a Valentine story for you guys. On Thursday afternoon My wife asked me if I want to go see “50 Shades of Grey” with her. My response was, “I have 0 interest in seeing that movie.” She said okay and sounded disappointed. So I texted her and told her if she really wants to see it then go ahead and get the tickets I’ll go with her. From this point on it’s all about the movie and my experience and I won’t be tagging anything “Spoiler Alert” because either you’re a woman that’s already read the books or you’re a man and you don’t give a damn.
The movie starts at about 9:15pm and about 10 minutes in I’m like, “Yup this is pretty much what I expected, my misery has begun.” The scene that leads to the male and female leads meeting each other is like a bad juiced up version of “Mad Men”. She goes to his office, big wall street type corporate office, where all the employees are tall leggy blondes dressed the sexy secretary role, and here comes Annastasia(I don’t remember her last name just I like I don’t remember Grey’s first name) who sticks out like a sore thumb in this environment. Fast forward through a ton of forced(cinematically) sexual tension, some manufactured conflict as the segue to get into some Whatshisface Grey character development.
They hang out a little one day and he decided, they’re not going to be a good fit. Of course as a woman she is devastated because her “Prince Charming” is getting away. So she goes out with her room mate and a guy friend, gets wasted and calls Grey drunk to do the typical TV show, “I’m a girl and you hurt my feelings, so I’m going to call you when I’m drunk” move while she’s in line for the bathroom at the club. Of course him being the young go getter that he is, when a young drunk damsel calls him he must rescue her from herself and the guy friend she considers family, but who now is admittedly all into her and rapey. At this point I’m thinking, okay everything that is happening in this movie is freaking ridiculous and how can women enjoy this crap. I’m doing mental gymnastics now trying to justify or at the very least comprehend how my wife could be enjoying this; maybe it’s because she read the books so what’s happening on screen has a different meaning to her than it does to me; like when I watch a superhero movie with someone that didn’t grow up on comic books. This movie is extremely bad, it’s what you get when Nickelodeon decides to venture into the world of pornography. I have paid money to sit in a movie theater and watch garbage that is simultaneously destroying my brain cells, perpetuating the Prince Charming myth, decreasing my faith in humanity and portraying women as irrational and incompetent.
I am negatively multitasking on a cosmic level.
I do not want to be in here watching this at all at this point, and I’m sitting in the back corner of the theater(small audience capacity about 30) when I have this thought that had me giggling uncontrollably for the next 3-4 minutes and intermittently for the next 15 minutes. Mind you I’m still miserable and I’m a bit disappointed in my wife because, in my head, she’s into this foolishness. Then out of no where she drops a beautiful bomb on me by leaning over and whispering to me, “FYI, I liked the books but this movie is ridiculous, we can leave whenever you want.” What!!! It’s Christmas already? Hallelujah!!!!! I put up a card asking for our check(The Alamo Drafthouse for you non-Austin folks has a full service menu and wait staff) but no servers come soon enough and we’re now both at our limit. So we stand up and walk out; and as we’re leaving I’m giggling because all the men are looking at me like, “Can I go with you bro?” and their SOs are looking at us like “Why would you be leaving?”
Anyway we get to the lobby and it’s 10:10pm I grab a server, and asked for some help. This is the conversation I had with him almost verbatim.
Me: “Excuse me, can you please help us get our check?”
Server: “What theater were you in?”
Me: “‘50 Shades of Grey’ in theater 10.”
Server: He smiled and said “That movie is pretty bad huh?”
Me: Thinking about how bad that movie was made me remember why I was laughing so hard in the theater. “Horrible is a better word. I didn’t want to go to jail for yelling ‘Fire’ in a crowded theater, but I was sitting in the back and I literally thought ‘if I take a shit in the corner we would all have to leave’”.
Moral of the story: 1. Don’t see “50 Shades of Grey”, unless you want to seriously consider taking a shit in a crowded theater.
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